Blog Dreams (translation)

(This is a translation of my malayalam blog post. It got published in the leading malayalam weekly Mathrubhumi)

It was with a lot of hope I started writing at a young age.


Fame was prime. Enough if my stories appear in a weekly or some magazine. And best if it is a special edition. And as time progresses, there would be a collection of short stories; a novel; a published book.

Revenue was seldom a motivation. I never wrote for monetory needs.

Editors of magazines nevertheless were in no maya. Either they did not understand my stories. Or their standards were a tad too much. Either way, the stories I sent them remained in hybernation and readers were deprived of pleasures reading them. We all live in bad times!

So though I continued to jot at rare occasions, they were never exposed; at least till I heard of blogs.

Now, blogging seems a real boon to inspiring authors-to-be like me, who often are left out for want of an understanding editor. The promised land.

The technicalities involved in blogging are really simple. We compose a story and publish it in our blog. Others read them and comment on it. Each blogger is claiming a reasonable number of readers. Many readers are fighting over posts to add their comments! Discussions happen between those who commented, often resulting in minor fights or mood-offs. Nevertheless, the blogger gets fame! Many send the links over e-mails to others. And finally some of the blogs are indeed getting published as books! What else needed to attain bliss?!

I slowly started posting the old stories I had written. The first one was a satire written years back when Government steeply increased the fuel price. One which I felt is relevant even today. Expecting a flow of congratulatory messages from all corners, I used to check my blog post every hour. No one seemed to have even glanced!

Each passing day increased my despair. And then I tried to think that since it was a first post, people should need to know more to visit my pages frequently. Which would probably result in better coverage. Thus I decided to put a story for which I had received a lot of on-the-spot appreciation, as my next post.

My friend Pramod had to see off his cousin at the railway station. For the sake of a company, he asked me to join. That day, my story to just pass the time evoked so much laughter in his cousin Ramya that she travelled the entire distance between Thrissur and Aluva unable to control herself. Several co-passengers were found keenly watching her, unable to fathom if she had forgotten her medicines or if the heat outside had done some tricks. Ramya starts laughing even today when she sees me. That was the power of my story!!

That story became my second post.

For this post, I got 2-3 comments. But they were all from my friends and relatives. Though I felt a little happy, the bliss I seeked still seemed far away.

Subsequently, I checked the pragmatic side of blogging. I soon discovered that most of the popular bloggers are from Gulf. To get their attention, I started posting my stories on their holidays, at around the time they wake up!

By this time, I had started checking others' blogs as well and I was furiously adding my comments to all the posts which I felt even a feeble attraction. I was sure that at least a sub-section of the bloggers would wonder "who could be this guy?" and would come checking my profile. My third story fetched about 10 comments (of course, I had put in my contributions as well). Nevertheless, the comment number touched double figures!

Still, the fame I craved for was still a long distance away. I decided to talk to some stalwarts.

Carpenter Raman is my neighbour in Thrissur. Though he does not blog himself, he is a regular visitor of Vastu blogs and has several bloggers (including I) as his friends. May be he should be approached.

One afternoon, I strolled into his home.

"So, what brings you here?" Raman was polishing a door frame.

"Hey, you know I started blogging. But I hardly get any comments. People don't seem to read my posts. What should I do to get more comments?"

Raman stopped his work and motioned me to come closer. Then he passed on the universal secret.

"Just ensure that your posts have good standard. Comments will automatically come!"

While I silently contemplated selecting between going to jail for attempted murder of a carpenter and a trip to the holy Varanasi wearing saintly robes, Raman went out to get his cycle puncture repaired.

I resolved to befriend my colleagues.

My cubicle mate is a girl from Trivandrum. She works every day for no less than 12 hours. I have heard her lament about her work pressure to many.

I decided to tell her about my blog. I approached her an evening when she was resting in her chair for a few minutes after a hectic day.

"Are you having a lot of work?" were my opening words, followed by a long lecture on how to work. At the end, I introduced my blog.

"You may want to have a look when you are feeling bored working. It might help a little"

Opening her eyes wide, she asked back a question:

"So what if I feel bored after reading your blog?"

Amulya comes with me regularly to have lunch. I approached her next. By that time, I had five posts.

Amulya came laughing after reading my blog.

"Hey, I read all your posts. But what I liked most were the stories given in the two links you had provided in your latest post. They were simply super!"

God, why am I being experimented?

I decided girls cannot be sincere. Caught hold of Panchu. He is straight-forward.

"I will surely read and tell you my opinion"

"Oh no. Put it as comment in the blog itself"

"Hmm.. so you are forcing folks into adding comments to your blog. If you do that, lot of other things are going to appear in the comments. Are you sure you want that?"

"No. This is enough"

Amulya, who was listening to our conversation, pitched in.

"Hey, why don't you create 4-5 ids and add comments yourself?"

As though I took all the pains to write stories to get comments from myself?

I was totally overtaken by grief when a new guy arrived.

He looked straight-forward. The type who cannot understand what lies between lines. He is my new team member. Moreover, a Malayali.

I seized the opportunity and led him to the conference room. Started a friendly discussion with him to cover personal and official aspects. Finally I decided to speak up with my requirements. An opening was needed anyway.

"What do you do during leisure time? Do you check blogs?"

"Sir, I do that regularly!"

I sat straight in my chair. Finally I was about to get a coverage. I was framing the next sentence in my mind when he continued.

"Not just that, sir. I regularly write blogs also. Till now, I have posted about 22 posts and I get 30-35 comments on an average. I have a plan to collate some of the posts and publish as a book, sir! Sir? What are you thinking?"
I motioned him to leave and left my head resting on my hand for a while, while I sat in the conference room alone. Simply. After all, there is nothing left to be done.

scans

My malayalam post which came in this week's blogana (click on the pics to view the pages):

I will not change!

[Some said they did not understand. For their benefit:
For lab experiments, we have 2 records. One rough record for the dirty job - marking observations, drawing rough circuit diagrams, graphs etc. One fair record where after the dirty job is done, we copy the values, observations etc and draw neater graphs, circuit diagrams etc. During the final lab exam, we have to submit the fair record also. Typically the fair record carries 10% marks.
Hope that also clarifies some questions you may have had for my previous post.
]

Scene: 3rd sem lab. Betsy teacher is in-charge for our batch. She is the toughest teacher.
B: all, submit your fair records!

Everyone submits, except Santosh. He is smiling.

B: Santosh, why you are not submitting your fair record?

S: Madam, I lost it yesterday! (still smiling)

B: What??!! How coolly you say you lost your fair record. And you are smiling! No remorse on your face!?! Do you know what will happen? Do you know the weight your fair record carries for the final exam? Anyway, do you think you can enter the final exam without fair record? What is the proof that you have done all the experiments in this lab?

S: (says nothing. Continues to smile)

B (little bit settled after a few moments of silence [Santosh’s still smiling]): Anyway, I think you will have to re-write all the experiments and get it approved from any of us before you come for the next experiment. Do you think you can do it?

S (still smiling): Yes madam.

B: Ok, I think I will look at your rough record to cross-verify experiments. For now, you submit your rough record.

S (still smiling): Madam! Rough record was inside the fair record when I lost it…

B: (Looks at Santosh’s innocent smile in wonder for a few moments). Ha ha hahaha!!! (bursts out laughing)

PS: Santosh never laughs. He only smiles... as he did on that day even when Betsy ma’am was laughing….

Gently lick me out, folks..

(This post is a bit technical as it involves an actual scene in an electronics lab in Engineering college. I am sorry, but I cannot translate the technicalities)

Location: Outside circuits lab, Govt Engineering College, Thrissur (Kerala)

Situation: S3 Electronics lab univ. exam

Smitha: Sunder… you look so happy.. are you not tense?

Sunder: No way! I have learnt all the experiments!!

Smitha and others: (wow, this guy’s so cool… and I am sweating…)

..

Smitha: We will step into the lab with right foot first. That way, we will have more luck.

Sunder: No way! I am a communist.. I don’t believe in superstitions.

Smitha: But Sunder, how confident are you on the experiments?

Sunder: I have studied all the experiments except UJT. UJT has not been asked for any of the batches who completed the lab exam till now (including A batch). So they will not ask today also. To prove my point, I will step into the lab with left foot.

Sunder steps into lab with left foot. Others with right foot. They look at invigilators – Sukumaran sir and Indira madam.

Sunder takes the sheet and slowly opens it… the experiment is.. UJT??!

Now comedy starts. Don’t know circuit diagram.

Sunder: Sir, I don’t know this experiment. Can you change this for me?

Sukumaran sir: Have you done this during class?

Sunder (almost whisper): yes… sir..

Sukumaran sir: Then it cannot be changed. Go and draw the circuit diagram!

Sunder goes back to seat… somehow draws a circuit diagram (how he drew, I will not explain). Takes it to invigilators.

Sukumaran sir: What is this?! Is this your circuit diagram?

Sunder: yes.. .sir…?

Sukumaran sir: This is wrong! Anyway, I will take your viva now. hFE of an npn transistor is 150. B-E cutoff voltage is set to 0.6v. E-C voltage is set to such-and-such and it is working in common emitter configuration. What is the base current in the transistor?

Sunder completely worried now. He looks at the calculator in his hand. Not very sure where to start.

After 3 min…

Sunder: Got it! Sir, it is 35A!

Sukumaran sir looks at him disbelievingly… “my dear, there is no such transistor in this world which can accept that base current…?”

(ok, for those who did not get the joke, the base current in a transistor never exceeds a few milliAmps)
[As though that explanation was enough]

PS: Sunder continues to be a communist, but from that day always steps for a new venture with right leg only.

Disturbance

Who feels like attending an official meeting right after a big lunch?
And if it happens to be a training..... and if it is about quality..
Having no option, I had to step in. Chicken curry and fish fingers were playing hide-and-seek inside. I wanted to play hide-and-seek as well. But how?
I started thinking about the lunch. It was good. It was heavy. The cook must be very gifted. Will I be ever able to make such good dishes? I started dreaming that I had become a part-time cook. An eternal dream that had come true. I was now sought-after. Accolades were showering on me. Sanjeev Kapoor himself was talking to me the other day. When I used to step into the neat restaurant kitchen, I used to be greeted with silence which follows the respectful glances.
In fact, everything was silent...
... including my training room.
I suddenly became aware that everyone in the room was looking at me. Including the trainer. These are the moments when you don't have words and you just want everyone to look anywhere else. Leave me alone; I want solitude; I want solace...
But they were not to come. Only my foolish blank glances here and there. Why is the trainer smiling?
Silence was broken by the trainer himself: "If you want to sleep, pray do so. But your snoring is disturbing everyone else. I know snoring has no remedy, so can you keep awake for the sake of others?"
Why is he still smiling at me? You mean, I can't sleep in a meeting?